HI Mr. Taylor,

I am a 48 year old female in a relationship with a 48 year old male. I have been divorced 2x, once at 20, and once a few years ago, and have 2 older son's. The man I am involved with, has never been married, nor does he have any children. We have been dating for 7 months now, and his reason that he never married, was that he was not financially stable until now. I am ready for a stable relationship, and at some point after we have known each other well, possibly living together or maybe even marriage again. He tells me he " thinks he wants the same things too ". His moods are very changealbe, that one day I feel he wants to be around me, and the next, I feel I am in the way. We can never do anything on Saturday's or Sunday's during the day, because he plays tennis. We do get together in the evening, but he is too tired to go out and do anything. My concern is that he has been a bachelor for so long, he may never be able to have a more permanent relationship. He says, " he is just set in his ways, and will take him a long time to change them". I do not want to change him, just to be honest about if he truly believes we have something, and more permanent in the future. Can a bachelor of so many years, ever be able to live with a woman?? He says " he thinks so". I care about him, and he has lots of good qualities, but am I wasting my time??

Ms. S

Dear Reader,

The question paraphrased: can an old dog learn new tricks? A valid question indeed and one that deserves some serious discussion, so, here goes. Mr. Bachelor is faced with making some accommodations that he seems to be resisting. He, as well as you, will face a series of trade offs: giving and getting as it were, in order to have some sort of life together. But it may be instructive to examine some of the benefits and drawbacks and see what tips the scale.

What is the best-case result? Do you have a vision of your life with this fellow and what it would mean to you? Does Mr. B have any notion of the benefits of having you around on a full time basis? What, then are the mutually agreed upon benefits of your relationship? It may be difficult to get Mr. B to discuss this sort of thing but if you analyze is treatment of you and his attitudes you may be able to ascertain what he wants and needs from you relationship. Perhaps the more difficult task will be to be honest with yourself. What do you want and need? Introspection may reveal that you are looking at altogether the wrong fellow, maybe not.

Let us look at what he may want. Sex? It is my (untested, thank you very much) notion that a 48+ year old who is healthy enough for vigorous weekend tennis and who has financial stability would not want for women in his age group for passionate encounters. In future, he can look forward to being the bingo parlor lothario as his social security checks start rolling in to pay for the viagra. And, if he wanted a younger woman to show off to his tennis buddies, then you would not have entered the picture in the first place, so that is not his goal.

What could he want? Perhaps the most taken for granted aspect of the man-woman interaction: intimacy. The absence of an intimate relationship, in the intellectual/emotional sense, is like a wound that won't heal. It can cause a feeling of dislocation and non-participation in life. In Mr.B's case he may not really know what he is missing but he probably knows that something is missing and being a friend/lover with you has started the process of awareness. The fact that he is undergoing a very gradual epiphany may cause his mood swings. One day he feels closer and one-day closeness frightens him. To gain awareness that he was not getting something essential from the many who preceded you and he is now finding it with you could be upsetting. It means a major lifestyle change and that is almost always scary.

Let us assume, Dear Reader, that it is this feeling of intimacy that he sees as the reward for learning new tricks, as it were. And that aforementioned "new tricks" will involve behavior changes that he must make. Then it is up to you, what changes must be made for you to want to continue to participate in this affair? What are the deal-breakers? One doesn't know what you liked and disliked in your previous relations. Did you have a bad husband or was it just a bad match? Things happen, as we all know but you have to be clear on what you want now. As you so clearly stated in your letter, you don't have a lot of time to waste. Do you wish to risk some of this time to, in effect, teach a blind man to see?

If so, let us look at some of your options. Do you engage in any physical activity for recreation that can be shared? Can you play tennis? Would it be possible to learn and get Mr. B involved in mixed doubles for example? If you decide to learn, your humble correspondent suggests that you do so on your own with a coach of your choice.

Do not expect him to teach with any degree of patience. To do so tempts fate. Perhaps, if you are going to engage in his hobby, he should agree to participate in yours. You can actually set up a schedule so that he does not have to agree to an open ended deal. So many hours of tennis equal so many hours of something you want to do.

One guesses that you are employed and that the weekend is when you unwind a recreate. When you would also like to have a romantic evening or two. If this is of great importance to you then there must be some changes made. It may, then, be a deal breaker. If he does not see how much this means to you then there is a problem, we are back to the "giving and getting" part of our story. The nature of intimacy is in the ability to abandon pure self-interest and self-absorption and move to a different level of consciousness.

There is hope, naturally. When your humble correspondent joined the financial services industry many years ago, a book called Psycho Cybernetics by Dr. Maltz was required reading. The thesis of the work was that the conscious mind could control the unconscious through the application of behavior modification and positive reinforcement. Elapsed time for this towork on a specific attitude or habitual behavior was said to be 21 days.

Personal experience has proven the point. So then, he can learn to make some changes that may be important to the success of your future relations. Can you figure out what compromises you are both willing to make? If you can, then give Dr. Maltz a peek and go for it. If not, well then tempis fugit and all that.

Tennis Anyone?

Mr. Taylor

Dear Reader,

Yours is a most interesting question and it took me longer than normal to divine what one hopes is a suitable answer. Your humble correspondent asked a friend who is enjoying a May to September relationship and she was kind enough to share some insights. Admittedly, the May part of this couple is more like a July to her September. In your case May as a metaphor will serve.

Who says God does not have a sense of humor. Women in their late thirties are at their sexual peak, so one is told and men in their late teens are at theirs. It would seem that this is the perfect paring. Clearly there is a biological reason for this: the woman is nearing the end of her child-bearing capability and needs to get something going pronto if she is going to give forth issue. And, who better than a young fellow who has the recuperative powers of viagra dosed jackrabbit on speed? It is nature's way, after all. She would be more likely to conceive if her reproductive system is under constant, passionate assault. The young man is induced by his nature to breed early an often so that he can do his part to continue the species before the exuberance and folly of youth causes him to engage in one of the many practices that would cause him to be unable to perform. Like being dead for example.

Thus, common sense tells us that such parings have occurred though out history and are inevitably part of the human condition.

There is another thing we should probably think about: a boy's first love is his mother. She sets the stage for all the women that follow and how he deals with them is a direct result, I believe, of how he was brought up and related to Mom. Young men dying in combat call out, in their fear and delirium, for their mothers more than anyone else. This has probably been true since Thermopile and it was so Vietnam. Older fellows, with wives and kids, will think of their current families first. Therefore, do deny that you may have a mother image thing working here but know that this is not likely to be the main reason he is attracted to you. Certainly don't worry about it though.

My friend Sally said that there were two things that she saw as problems: 1.Family pressure. 2. Kids. The family: Does yours give you a difficult time? Well, if the people who are going out of their way to give you grief about your young man are the same people that went out of their way(s) to make you feel good and give you comfort when you needed it, then I would be concerned. If not, to hell with 'em. If someone does not want you to be happy, if they think that you are making some foolish mistake and if they worry that you are being taken advantage of, well, tell them to take you as you are or not at all. By now you may have an inkling that life is very short and you have to make the best out of what you have. One gets the sense from your letter that you are pretty well bolted down and unlikely be taken advantage of, any more that the average woman with the average man, so I would tell your family not to fret. Remember, your friends will love you no matter what you do, that's what friends do.

Kids: Someday, your young man may want to assume the responsibilities and blessing of fatherhood. Too many men, one fears, do not take the responsibilities seriously and thus, miss out on the blessings. What happens is fatherless children and all of the problems and heartbreak that entails, but I digress. This is surely to be the ultimate rub. Your humble correspondent had an affair with an older woman or two and as exciting and fulfilling as those experiences were, I always knew that someday I wanted to be a father, in all the meanings of the word. I knew that those women were not my future life mates. There was, then, more than one clock running.

So there it is. If he wants to be a poppa someday you have to figure the likelihood of it being with your progeny. If that likelihood is very low then at least help prepare the lad for whomever will come next in his life. One hopes that you will continue to enjoy the benefits of this relationship for as long as it has to run and that you will end it knowing that you havedone a good thing for his future family.

Whistling past October,

Mr. Taylor

Dear Mr. Taylor:

I have been with a fair number of men. I have noticed that fit is very conducive to whether a man comes faster or not. Some men take so long with me, while others can't last 3 minutes. The men who ejaculate fast say that it only happens with me that the fit is too arousing. I really want the new man in my life to be able to come in a reasonable amount of time. Is there anything I can do about this?

Dear Reader,

First off, two things: Disclaimer!!!! REALLY READ THIS!!!!!! I am not a physician, psychologist or any other medical professional. What follows is my opinion only unless referenced. The only direct medical experience that your humble correspondent possesses is from his stint as an EMT while in college. I can assure you that this sort of thing never came up, directly anyhow.

There are two very interesting points that are in your letter. First is the very questions itself and second the fact that you asked it.

First: There are a number of ways to slow the "little death" as the Italians call it. In the order of personal preference (the other two are in no order) here is one way. The second time is always better, based on the supposition the you are looking for someone younger than, 35 say, and of course in good health. An attentive, doubtless highly aroused lover would be thinking about the second round while still engaged in the first. As soon as he can perform again or "get back into battery" as the artillerymen would say, he would begin again his amorous advances with greater patience and attention and when the chase is joined he will have the staying power to see the chase to its mutually acceptable, neck and neck finish. Now, in no particular order:

Artificial aids. There are several ways to slow thing up. Condoms will cause a lack of sensation and two may be required for difficult cases. There are also drugs, present now with more in development which may slow the pace a bit[see below]. There have been some preparations available that are supposed to do the trick but I fear that some may be of the coin operated pharmacy type that is found in the men's room of truck stops. I would not attest to their efface any more than I would the quality control used in the manufacturing of such stuff. And, goodness knows what they put in it. Two brand names spring to mind : "Delay" and "Linger".

[note: check the news on Vivus (VVUS on Nasdaq) for their product developments.

Mind over matter: The mind is the biggest sex organ and with training and practice it and thus the individual, can control all. There is a discipline called Tantra and thus Tantric sex that is potentially the ultimate in sexual mind/body control. See the book section of this site and try to determine if Tantra is something you would like to develop with your lucky partner. There are other ways, such as thinking about unpleasant topics or trying to compute batting averages in one's head but your humble correspondent thinks that is foolish. If it is a problem, move up the tantric path a bit, but do it together. Batting averages, really!

Now to the fact that you actually asked a question to assist you in your selection process. Brava! Dear Reader and well done. If more of your sisters were to look for what they want with the same diligence as a conscientious human resources director for a family firm, there would be fewer divorces and fewer ex-wives of no-count losers.

But I digress; If you find a fellow who is a good man with many good qualities, (you know, has a job, loves his family, kind, honest, funny and smart), all that good stuff.... Grab him. You can teach him what ever he needs to know about getting you in to a low orbit trajectory. You cannot teach a liar to be honest or a bully to be kind. You will not give a coward courage nor cause a slob to be a gentleman. You may find a great lover in the technical sense but if he lack the emotional connection that you may desire, even ecstasy can get old. But if you find a good, decent fellow grab him and go for it.

Remember the immortal words of baseballs great Leo Durocher, "nice guys finish last".

Still at bat,

Mr. T

Dearest Mr. Taylor,

First let me say that you sir are superb. Your wife must secretly thank her lucky stars each night. ( she can't be too reverent, you'd hate it) But I digress, I need you, your help that is.

I am getting a divorce. After 20 years this is sad but mutually agreed upon and we are civil. We also share great concern for our 5 year old who is #1. She is our priority and will remain so. But here's my problem. Please don't choke laughing. I am in love with a married man. Now we dated 20 years ago and he wanted to marry me but I hadn't shaken my independent streak and much to his dismay we parted. He has called me every year or so for 20 years, asking how I am doing. He is married and lives about 5 hours away. We began seeing each other a little over a year ago and he says he loves me like crazy, always has and wants to be with me but at this point hasn't been able to pull the trigger on his marriage. (The second for both) He says his wife is unstable and will take it worse than him dropping dead. I'm not a total fool, I gave him a year to pull the plug or I was done. I'm a main event not a side show and I don't really approve of sneaking around. Well, I've ended it and I'm heart broken. He says we will be together and not to give up on him. I know I did what was right but I am in love with him and my emotional self wants to rocket my logical self to the moon. Should I give him more time? Is his difficulty with ending his marriage a sign he doesn't really love me enough or that he has compassion for his wife and her potential heartbreak. She thinks he only talks to me now and then. Another problem is that he'd have to quit a great paying job and move to my small town because I promised my ex that our daughter would be raised here. I'm soon to be 45 and my lover is soon to be 50. What do you think?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for the kind words. It refreshes the heart to hear such things. As to my beloved wife's good fortune, well, more on that later. What to do, what to do? Let us examine the situation closely and perhaps the resolution to your problem may manifest its self.

But first, a digression: others had passed Much of the advice that I dispense here to me, and after accepting or ignoring, life experience has shown one the wisdom or folly of some things people have tried to share. Many years ago I had my first big crush on an older woman. She was perhaps two years older than my 16 years and, to top it off, was an AFS exchange student from the south of France. I was in love, or what passes for love in the palpitating breast of a 16 year old. I was in an all boys school at the time and her visits, we were both in the drama club, became the center of my universe.

I was very interested in this 'love' business and having an analytical mind, I decided to learn more. Annie, that is her name, responded to my questions with one of the truest statements I have ever heard. She said that love analyzed is love lost. It sounds so much cooler in French, as do so many things, but that is the essence of it. So let us analyze your love for this guy with the good job and all. First of all, calling you every year or so does not make him Tristan to your Isolde. And now its not as if you're asking him to swim the Hellispont, no you are asking for the things that you believe that you truly need and the object of your desire comes up wanting.

What is he telling you? Let us look at what he says. The wife that would die from a divorce, that's an interesting assessment. After all, that would, if you will forgive the sanguine view of things, solve the problem of alimony. But maybe there is something else at work here. Could the potentially terminal wifey have found a new friend in her book circle, perhaps a feminist divorce lawyer whose nick-name is "Ironclaw"? Is the object of your desire doing the mental calculations on what a second divorce would cost?

The advice I am giving is of course limited by my experience. A line once heard in a movie, "what do I know about life, I am still on my first marriage", may describe my limitations. There is the matter of truth and lies.

You cannot control the lies of others. (If I was in my former life I could bring just about anyone to the light of truth, but that was then, and this is now) To get clear of this bind you are in you are going to have to tell the truth to the person you lie to more than all others combined: yourself.

Ask yourself, what is it that makes you love this guy NOW! Not 20 years ago when you were a hot-blooded, firm bodied 25 year old. That's not to say that the blood has cooled and the body softened here in the 21st century, but you get the idea. Is it the 25-year-old babe that you are trying to recreate with this affair and you need the right props and supporting cast to do it?

Who is this guy, anyhow? Is he the wittiest guy, the smartest guy or the most sensitive fellow you have ever met? Is he the best looking, most athletic? Is he even a good dancer? Can he make you laugh? A sophisticated lover once told me that what got me where we were (guess) was that I could make her laugh. It may be the saving virtue for this guy, is it? You know he is not loyal; that his word of honor ain't much and that he is a sneak. Yet you have accepted these traits, hell, not just accepted them but let them be used to keep you on a string.

Is he a great lover? Are his kisses the opium blossoms of passion? Can you still feel his caresses of so long ago? Does he whisper sweet words of love into your ear that transport you to a higher plane of consciousness? Does he profess his undying love and devotion at every meeting with such passion that you believe that even a brief separation is too much for him to bear?

Well, what does he do? What makes him so special? Analyze, analyze, analyze and be completely honest and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. If he is, in fact, the much rumored and oft discussed God's Gift To Women, then do what you have got to do.

There are two other items. Go to Amazon and find the video, Minnie and Moskowitz. It is a John Cassavetes film that stars his wife and Seymor Cassell. I saw this over 25 years ago and the impression is still vivid. It details a relationship between a single woman and a married man.

The other item is my long suffering wife, for whose lot you suggested star thanking. There are times when I think I am a good catch and other times I believe that I am the skunk at her garden party but there is not a moment of any day or night that your humble corresponded does not know that he could be a better man and that being a better man is always worth the effort.

Still trying after all these years,

Mr. T

Dear Blackjack Babe,

You must remember your dad on Fathers Day because the old boy gave you some very sound advice. Ultimatums can defeat even the best ideas because men resist being directly forced into a corner. He could simply call your bet and raise with "no way, now what are you going to do about it?"

The other issue is that most men would rather have a root canal without anesthetic than sit around and have a meaningful conversation about their feelings and "our relationship".

But fear not, like so many of your sisters, you have come to the right place. This is an easy one. Simply go to Mr. Lucky and remind him that you two agreed to marry someday and someday is now. Then ask him "What's it gonna take to get us married?

What do I have to do to make it happen?" Now the ball is in his court. If you spring this on him out of the blue when he is in a good mood (that would be my choice) he most likely will say something like "well, er, um, I don't know, I guess."

Let that brilliant repartee play it's self out and then say "Well, OK, think about it for a while and I'll get back to you." Give him no more than 3 weeks, that's a good amount of time for him to digest the change that he is about to undertake. Remember, the only male that likes change is a baby boy with full diapers.

When the time has passed and there is no response then ask him the same questions again. If he balks, remind him that he agreed to the initial arrangement, and since that time left it open ended, you have the prerogative of closing the end, as did he. Forever ain't ultimately. If he says do this or that and married you'll be, then determine if those things are something that you are willing to do and do them. Then call in your marker. He made a deal and guys understand the deal. I know that it's not white satin and flower pedals but that is how men work. If he is a man, he'll keep his end of the bargain.

Always loving weddings,

Mr. T.